Left Behind.

There's no doubt that the environment that you were brought up in will ultimately define the person you become, it may even shape out what you're capable of, and what you're not. Today, for some reason or another, I wondered to myself, who I could have been if I were brought up elsewhere. Had I been brought up with both, a mother and father present that offered me guidance and a world full of opportunities, who could I have been? I then think to myself, "I could have been someone great- probably someone better than I am now." I probably would have done something great with my life that could have benefited others; I probably could have been more peaceful and at ease. 

There was a statistic I read about not too long ago that stated that children that grow up in stressful environments are more than likely to have issues with anxiety, depression, and self-esteem as they mature. For the kids that don't grow up in these "stressful" environments, I'm sure they don't have any of those issues. On the contrary, they are more likely to grow up a lot happier, more confident, and definitely not anxious. If you know me, you know me well enough to say that I've always grown up in a stressful environment. Even after the fact that I moved out of my house, I still somehow ended up walking right into another stressful environment that I didn't want to deal with. It's almost as if it just follows me where ever I go. In the end, I feel like it slows me down- sets me back from the rest. 

While everyone is moving forward, I get stuck behind with Stress and Drama; not my favorite people to hang out with, and they never were my choice of friends either. I've been desperately trying my best to slay away from them since God-knows how long, but each and every time, they pull me right back in, and so I never end up getting too far. I feel like a slave to them. I'm on a leash, and that leash can only extend out but so far, before I get reeled back in, and get toyed with, again. It's this stupid cycle that I can't free myself from, and I've been searching for ways to get out- and so far, all options have failed me. I'm 21 years old and I can tell you honestly, that I don't feel too proud of where life has taken me, especially not when I compare to others who've gone farther, who've experienced the better things in life. Most people would tell me to be grateful for what experiences I do have, and what things I've learned from them, and I would say that most people are right when they say that. But for this one time, I just don't feel like most people are right anymore, because I've hit this all-time-low that most people just do not understand. I can't emphasize how hard I've worked to get to where I'm at, and even after all of this, I feel like I have nothing. It may sound ungrateful to you, but in my world, things don't seem to make much sense anymore.

As a kid, my grandmother always used to say, "You can work hard for pennies that don't amount to anything, or you can work hard for wealth that will amount to thousands of opportunities- in the end, it's your choice." I don't know what I'm working for, but right from the beginning, it's always felt like pennies to me. Maybe, if I save up enough pennies, I'll have enough that will amount to a few hundreds, and then thousands, or even millions. Just maybe.