I often relive my night-time dreams of the days when we'd get together on Friday nights to get "work" done; actually, we did less work, and had more jokes and laughter. Going in on Saturday mornings with as little as two hours of sleep, realizing we all look and feel like a mess. In the end, the mess was worth it. There are small details of those days that I could never forget- some bad, but more good.
I thought about that one day, while sitting in English class, I was on the edge of my emotional peak. Ready to tell the next person off had they said the wrong thing to me. Right in that moment, Brian called to check up on me, and suddenly I started to bawl out my feelings of stress and anxiety to him. We were all under this invisible and constant pressure of just wanting to make it, and make it together. I can admit that in the near beginning of our candidacy days, many of us cared little for one another, and the word "team" was of to no existence or avail. None of us really knew each other; we all had very different backgrounds, experiences, perspectives, and talents- but after all the long nights, the excessive emails, and the funny text messages to one another, we found a friend in each other.
Do you remember that one Friday night in Ro's dorm room where we all sat around watching "Step Brothers" while shining our shoes? Oh, I know you remember this night, because it was absolutely hilarious watching Ro, Noel, and Brian walk around acting-out that entire movie better than Will Ferrell and John Reilley. How about during TTW when we all had these ridiculous "missions" to accomplish, and somehow, in the middle of it all, we ended up on this small piece of plastic, hugging each other like care-bears (which by the way, made an awesome picture of Ro at his very best). Who could forget Kayley's infamous party back at her old apartment with her amazing roommates, plus 40 other people we all didn't know. "I'm the Indian in the cupboard!" Berkey shouts, while we all laugh and realize he was just in his underwear with penises drawn all over his face. Apparently he passed out in the bathtub, while the rest of us were dancing and drinking the night away. That was a good night, I'd say. What about the small party we had a Teresa's dorm right after dining-out, for which we all got kicked out and somehow ended up in the Bronx. Good times back at Teresa's dorm, where we'd sit around, talk shit, drink, watch TV., play cards, and joke around. Going out to Raenaa's job to have our semesterly get-togethers is always fun too, especially now since we're finally all over 21 and can drink, legally. I can sit for hours and reminisce about past times with these people. In the brief two years that I have known them, I can truthfully admit that they have changed me and molded me into a much better and happier person. Of course, that is what's bound to happen when you find the right group of friends. Once in a while I'll look back at old pictures of us. Pictures of our nights out, parties, get-togethers, community service work, and candidacy. We've had some amazing times, and I am absolutely grateful for all the times that are left to come. Years from now, I know I'll say, "These are things I'll never forget."
I remember at some point during candidacy, I wanted to just give up and quit- walk away from it all. Something had stopped me then and I didn't know what it was, but I later on realized that it was them. You never know what home really feel likes until you find that perfect group of people that within all your drama, flaws, mistakes, irrationality, and naiveness they still somehow accept you. They still care for you. I was young, I was naive, full of mistakes and irrationality- I thought I had the world figured out already, and I was dead wrong. Each of them brought some new and undiscovered perspective to the table that made my life so much more interesting, and suddenly a part of me had fallen in love for the first time. Not the kind of love that one has with his/her spouse, but the kind of love that becomes unconditional because it's a two-way street from there on out. They accept you with all your problems and bullshit, and you accept them in just the same manner. Isn't that what friends are for? For acceptance, love, and support? I always thought so. I already have friends that I feel that way with, but when you add a few more to that heart of yours, your love-letters start to sound like this:
You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when we went through candidacy together, I knew Kerrianne was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Kerrianne joined in later. And then a few months after, when we all decided to hang out together, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added five more guys to my wolf pack. Seven of us wolves, running around New York City together, looking for beer and food.
A lot of us ended up going separate ways for reasons that were out of our control, and as much as that saddens me, it has strengthened us. We're all living our own lives, doing our own things, fulfilling our own personal goals, but somehow in the midst of all that, we will meet somewhere in the middle- half way between me and you, which makes it us.
At times when I dream, I go back to those days. I don't know why, but maybe somewhere deep down inside of me, I still miss them. I miss the closeness of always feeling surrounded by their presence because on my shittiest of days, they bring a smile to my face and laughter in my voice. I miss the endless and ridiculous loads of jokes- it's all the inside jokes that were the best to me. I guess, when it comes down to it, I miss having them around for the sake of them keeping me sane. There were days when we all hated our lives and asked ourselves, "Why are we here again? What was the purpose of this?" All these unanswered questions, but the fact of the matter is that we all made it through the trials of miles together, and that is what made everything all the more possible even when life seemed impossible. (At least for me, this is how I felt, I can't speak for all of them.) I know that no matter what happens, where ever we all end up at, we'll always be friends, even though some part of me still feels left behind in those days and ways of when we were all just us; living in this small moment within our great big lives. I love each and every one of them individually with all their unique personalities and flaws. I love each and every one of them like I love my family.
