It's 7:22AM and I am still in bed, knowing very well that I have class in an hour and a half.
I often find it difficult some days to get out of bed and get my day going; my mind is too weak to get my body up and moving. Most days, I lay in bed for about 30 minutes or so, just zoning in and out of my past and present. Everything in my room is quiet, I can even hear my heart beat- I have the heart of a runner, you'd say. I close my eyes and I'm suddenly taken back to my lost days with him.
Walking down Broadway, hands interlocked- not too tight, just right. We're wearing our favorite Sperry's, while our shiny aviators deflect the bright rays of the beaming sun. You're holding our lunch in your left hand, gently swinging it merrily. You took the time out to plan our small picnic, and for that I was ever so grateful. We made our way to the grass and laid out our small blanket, just big enough for two. Devouring our sandwiches while telling stories of our previous experiences and our individual plans and goals. You knew deep down I always wanted to be a writer. You knew it's what I was made for, even though I had fought against the idea of it and became a biology major instead. I knew deep down you wanted to be a film director and a screen play writer, even though you fought against it and became an engineering major instead. Together, we loved art. Together, we are art. We love the art of reading, writing, movies, photography, and theater. We laid out on our blanket side-by-side, belly's faced down, feet kicked-up in the air behind us, the world at our backs, imagining all of our most wildest dreams. I told you of all my favorite books, while making a list of all the books I ever wanted you to read, and you made a list of all the greatest (most classic) movies I needed to watch with you. We watched the sun set that day without realizing how much time really passed. You often interrupted me with your kisses... I shared something that day. I shared my soul with you.
I open my eyes and realize I'm back in my room. I lie wrapped up in my blankets like a caterpillar in a cocoon, too scared to step out and face my reality; I haven't transformed into a butterfly yet.
I close my eyes again. I decide I'm not ready.
You pick me up from the Metro North right on time. We finally make our way to the beach to meet up with your friends. We set up our cooler and towels, and of course throw on our favorite American Optic aviators. As chatty as your friends are, you and I are wrapped up in our own conversation; joking around about our body's, simply making fun of ourselves. You told me I was perfect; that my body was just perfect for yours. I believe you. We hold hands in the sand, until we decide to run into the water. I'm not much of a swimmer so you piggy-back me into the deep end, attempting to scare me by jokingly saying that you're going to let go, as I shout for you not to. We laugh as I grasp you tighter like my favorite childhood teddy bear. Twisting me around, so that I was then facing you- you kiss me. I keep my arms and legs wrapped tightly around you, and again, you kiss me and it tastes just the same as biting into a fresh ripe plum. Refreshing.
I open my eyes again and stare at my astronaut poster hanging on the wall. I see one man on the moon and through the reflection of his helmet, there's three other astronauts, dancing on the moon with him.
I close my eyes again.
Back in your room, watching all of our favorite episodes of "Modern Family," "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," and "Flight of the Conchords." My head resting on your chest, while my left leg wraps across your waist. That's how we lay. Secretly, I'm listening to your heart beat. You have the strong heart of a runner; inhale deep, exhale slow.
Back track a memory ago: you lay your head on my lap while I run my fingers through your hair. You turn up and gaze into my eyes, then get yourself up-right just so you could kiss me- one more time. The eyes of a happy dog making his way back home. We're home.
I quickly fast forward to our lazy Sunday's. I would always wake up earlier than you and make a bowl of cereal and turn on the TV to Cartoon Network. You would hear me laughing and occasionally talking to myself and you'd peak an eye open, and smile. You'd pull me underneath the covers with you and we laid there face-to-face, staring right into my soul. I remember one day, I realized you had one eye greener than the other and in the middle of that thought, you kissed me. We would play for hours and wrestle around like kids. You always pinned me down and smothered me with kisses, while I laughed and pretended to want to break free.
For every moment that your eyes met mine, my heart melted just a little bit more. As cliche as it sounds, your eyes always somehow pierced right through me and found a way to make me feel fragile and weak, and at times, hopeless. How you did it?... I wish I knew.
I keep my eyes closed for a little bit longer and again fast forward to another day and place.
We're sitting on a bench outside at 11 o'clock at night. We hadn't seen each other since that day I sat on my room floor crying to you because you told me that I wasn't the one for you. I was really crying because I didn't want you to leave- but you left anyway, and I sat there for 2 hours, with my legs crossed Indian style, not sobbing, just thinking as the tears from my eyes fell to my bare thighs. We sat on the bench not holding hands, barely looking at each other, yet we were engaged in a serious conversation. Three hours later we were still sitting at that bench and we found ourselves again, talking about all of our hopes and dreams. Your hand slowly crept up to mine as you found a way to wrap your fingers in between mine. We were holding hands. My heart began to beat faster, while my mind screamed against it. You kissed me on the cheek and all the while, I did my best to act completely indifferent. My thoughts raced and my conscience was literally printing out the words in front of me in bright red letters: "WARNING: You are NOT THE ONE for HIM!... Let go, NOW!" I couldn't. I wanted to. I tried. The next thing I knew, your arms were wrapped around me and I felt at home again. Almost like a moth, blinded by the bright lights, he can't help but to continue to fly towards it.
It's 8:13AM. I have class in one hour. I haven't showered or even gotten out of bed yet. It's Valentine's Day... Who cares. I don't.
I'll close my eyes again and rewind... just one more time.
