Things I'll Never Say.

There are times when I think about you and I say to myself, "I'm better off." Then, there are those times like today, when I think about you, and I remember how happy I was with you and I think to myself, "I miss you." Even the weirdest of your ways I miss. Your compulsive obssession to talk about track and running; your ridiculous opinions about the way you look too thin and how people should learn to use the word "gaunt" more, because that's what you felt best described your look; and the way you would scavenge through nearly every piece of clothing you had in order to find something just right to wear for a night out. I'd laugh at those things because God knows I've never known anyone quite as different as you. Even the time you refused to kiss me when I was sick with a cold, because you feared I'd get you sick, which would lead you to miss out on your track meets. Of course you couldn't afford to do that, and I eventually learned to understand. The fact that you surprised me at my house with a can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup proved to me that you cared- I wasn't as mad anymore. 


I was thinking about those late nights, when we'd hang out around your school, holding hands. I recall that one adventure we had in the dark pits of a classroom you had class in. That was a night I couldn't forget because I remember telling myself, "He's just what I always wanted." No matter what you did or said, it was always different from what I've ever been exposed to. 


Though you may never know it and you may never realize it, you and I made the perfect team, despite the bad efforts to "make more time" for each other. I suppose I was right when I thought and felt that being in a relationship with someone should come easy and naturally. But I know I am also right when I think now that being in a relationship with someone takes work and effort. Though schedules will conflict, both people should be willing to compromise and sacrifice something- not everything, of course. I know we had this talk that day we decided to "officially" break-up, though in my mind we were still together. In my heart, I wish we were still together. 


When you went back to Connecticut for the summer, I was sure I'd have a hard time seeing you, since I'd be stuck here in the city. Despite our distance, I found ways to visit you. We even spent the 4th of July together with your awesome family. It may have been one of the very best 4th of July's I ever had. 


I miss holding your hand. Our first date was quite interesting, considering that we got caught in the first (and the worse) snow storm of the winter season, and because of it, we showed up to our movie late and missed all the previews. Everyone knows the previews are the best part about going to the movies; if you don't watch the previews, you might as well wait for the movie to come out on DVD or on TV. Of course, I made you watch a chick-flick because those are the only kind of movies I really enjoy watching- even when I'm alone. You learned that about me. After the movie, we showed up to your track-mate's party super late, or maybe they just end parties really early considering that it was only 1:00AM. A half an hour later, everyone was on their way out to head home, and so you and I were sober and late. By this time, the snow storm had taken over the entire city of Manhattan, the streets were covered in about a foot or two of snow. There were no cars and no buses, and the trains were definitely not running, how was I going to get home? Well, I wasn't, at least not until the next morning. You let me crash at your dorm for the night, and I know, I know- you're not suppose to "sleep" with a guy on the first date, but we didn't "sleep" together; we laid next to each other, and talked for a while about all the most random things in the world. I know that on that night, you didn't care as much about getting rest for your run the next day. I know that on that night you just wanted to be with me and your feelings did exist- they were there. That next morning, I woke up looking like a horrid mess due to all the smudged eyeliner and massacre I had all over my face, but you didn't care much. You hugged me close to you as you caressed my hair. I'll never forget that night/morning, I swear I won't. It may have been the best first date I ever had. 


Time followed and I was more and more eager to see you and get to know you better. We took some time out to see each other and hang out, go out, and talk. Those early weeks of us being together just like that, were the best weeks because that was the time I knew you had genuine feelings towards me. All along, I was scared I would be the one to break your heart by accident, but it turns out, you broke mine. Though you never lied to me, cheated on me, or misled me, you did fail to feel how I felt towards you after six months. I love you. I know you weren't and aren't ready to hear those words. I know you probably thought I was crazy the day I finally built up the guts to tell you that while the tears swelled up in my eyes, because I knew you didn't feel that way. I told you anyways, and I also told you that I could no longer be your friend, because I can't. I won't. How could we have all these amazing moments and memories together, and simultaneously your feelings don't change or grow? How could you tell me that I am so wonderful and beautiful, but your feelings don't change or grow? How could you show me that you care about me, that you've missed me while I was gone, and still say that your feelings did not change, or grow? I think back and I wonder where I went wrong, and what did I miss. Did I make a wrong turn somewhere? Did I misinterpret a sign?... I just don't know. It hurts me now, as I sit here by my computer, thinking about all of this- while at the same time I look at my phone, hoping you'd call and tell me exactly what it is that I want to hear. I sit here feeling confused and unsatisfied with your answers and your confusion towards me. Is there someone else? If there is, that would explain a lot I suppose. What in the world did I do wrong because I know in my heart and soul I did all I could that was right. 


There are times at night where I lay in bed for just a few seconds replaying times we've had together. I usually go back to those days when we'd stay up late in my room, watching TV and joking around, because I know those were the nights I'd never forget. Finally, I'd fall asleep and be awoken by my loud, annoying alarm clock. I would turn it off and convince myself that it's a new day- without you. I would tell myself, "I'm better off." How much of those three words I believe? I don't know. I do know that what we had was real, even if at times I could be slightly delusional, obsessive, and overly dramatic about this. You know me well enough to know that I am by far the most dramatic person ever; I should go into theater/drama one of these days. You know me well, though you think you don't. I know you well, though you think I don't.


I guess these are just a bunch of things I'd never say to you. There are things I wanted to tell you and ask you, like, are you going to run in the 5K event on 26 September (Tunnel-To-Towers Run)? I hope you do because I am. You know, I was never a big fan of running. In fact, I always hated the sport and thought it was pointless. After knowing you, I have a whole different outlook on it now. I actually even enjoy the torture of running. Did I tell you I was contracting with the Army this Friday? I am pretty excited about it. Also, my uncle is getting married in a month and I wanted to know if you would like to accompany me. 


But I can't get myself to call you, or text you, or send you a message on Facebook. I can't get myself to do any of these things without compromising my pride, while surrendering my emotions- and possibly my tears. I don't want to hear of this anymore and you have given me all the answers you had, I guess I have to let it go.


Did I tell you that I am scared to go back and look through my current journal? It hurts too much to realize how many pages you are on, and I can't get myself to keep writing your name in that book. I'm hurt, slightly humiliated, and feel a tad bit inadequate. I can't get myself to write those feelings in my journal because I know this is not the ending I wanted for myself. I'll wait.


Though all my previous relationships have failed, the only thing that has never failed me was Time. Somehow, someway, time moves me forward in this lonely universe. And days turn into weeks, while weeks turn into months, and months turn into years, and suddenly I will have forgotten you just as you will have forgotten me. The next thing I know, I'll be 25 and I'll look back and say to myself, "Wow, I thought I wasn't going to ever get over him, but I did- and I'm just fine." It always turns out that way. I was just 17 yesterday, then suddenly I was 19 with a broken heart and I swore by everything I loved that I would never move on from that. I'm 22 today and I look back at that past relationship and think, "Wow, I thought I wasn't going to ever get over him, but I did." I wish I could say that I am just fine, but something inside me tells me that I'm not, because I've moved on to something else- someone else- and of course, with my luck, everything fell apart. Once again, I am back in that same position, swearing by everything I love that I will never move on from this. Tomorrow I'll be 25 and realize that I'm just fine.

To the Bad Memories.

Broke:

To those bad memories...

A year has past since my time spent with you. Just as I always knew, things were never the same. I have never been the same. I've grown different, you've grown away. I tried to remain a friend to you, but time seems to pull us further apart than the actual distance that already lies between us. I've been finding it more and more difficult to move on and find something new, something better. You've scarred me beyond repair and now it seems I am just full of insecurities and "issues." You told me that I'd eventually get over it and move on. I've gotten over it, and I am moving on, but why do you still haunt me? Why am I still reminded of you? I just want to forget you. Two years of my life gone down the drain, and now I am left here with the feeling of loneliness, abandonment, and my never ending issue of trusting someone new. I am broken into a million little pieces, beyond repair.

The memory of the time we last saw each other, randomly comes to mind throughout the day. I can literally see my heart falling to the ground after I tried to hand it over to you one last time. It shattered. I knew damn well you were going to reject it, but I had hope. Hope that you'd change your mind if you saw just how fragile and innocent it really was. I could've stopped it from shattering, but instead I chose to watch it fall like a thin glass plate hitting the concrete. Completely broken. I just watched it, asking myself, "How am I ever going to fix it?" A year later, and I sit here now asking myself, "How am I ever going to fix it?" I need a new heart, God. I need a new heart. I've tried tape, I've tried glue, and somehow the moment I remember you, I am broken all over again.

God, I need a sign.