"Friends"? -- Friend.

I was 7 years old when I met Jerlina. She lived in the apartment above mine in Washington Heights. She was 8 years old and spoke broken English. My grandmother thought it would be a good idea for me to have someone play with after school-- it would teach me how to be social and make friends. With me knowing no Spanish, and her barely speaking English, we became good friends and managed to play together every day after school. We played hide and seek, I would often hide in her closet, she would hide behind the couch, our options were limited.


We inseparable by 11, and language was no longer a barrier, she had learned it well very quickly, and I finally considered her to be my best friend. My first friend, my real friend. There were fights and moments of not-speaking as we got older, but somehow, we always ran back towards each other and apologized for things said and unsaid; things done and not done. We loved each other too much, had gone through too much together for us to throw it all away and start over new with a different friend. We had memories and time on our side, infinitely. She knew all of my deepest darkest secrets, and I knew all of hers and whenever we got our hearts broken, we were there for each other.


At 23 and she 24, living in different states that leave thousands of miles between us, we still call each other and seek comfort in each other's advice and words of wisdom. I find it strange that while I now live with 3 other "friends," I often don't find comfort in talking to them. I don't find comfort in their "friend"-ship. For some time, I thought it was me, and it may very well be me, but I've come to a sad yet true realization: people change, and friendships don't always remain the same. Unlike me and Jerlina, some friendships don't survive the storms and when the sun comes out, we all go our separate ways. 


I live in a house of 3 other people, yet I always feel completely alone in their presence. I have nothing to tell them, to share with them, and its not because I don't want to, it's because we have no history, no common interests. To add to it, I come from a rough background; a background many cannot understand or relate to. It makes it difficult for them to understand where I come from and why I am the way I am. While they have their own problems to deal with, I know that mine are much larger and I suppose I don't want to burden them with the weight of my world, even though, isn't that what friends are for? When it came down to it, I feared the idea of being judged by people I liked and wanted to fit in with. When I finally took the time to reflect on the friendships I've had with different types of people, the ones that have survived the longest in my life are the ones I've been able to open up to; the ones that never judged me and accepted me for who I was, who I am, and who I will some day be. The ones who I have valued the most in my life are the ones that understand where I've been and why at times, I feel I can't stay strong and move on.


While I wish I could value these "friends" I live with the same way, it appears there is nothing which brings us together. I tried to uphold all the things I once believed kept us together as friends-- AFROTC, AAS candidacy, birthday's, Spring Break, and while those experiences changed me in ways that will always affect me, they aren't  the glue that keeps us together because new memories are made every day, and we are not the same people we were yesterday. We will never be, and our friendship will never be. Our pasts haven't brought us any closer than two strangers sitting next to each other in a subway cart. Our present has been nothing but a long, strung-out road of distance and more distance between me and them. It hurts me to think about it because I never imagined friendship in that way, and I never had friendships that weren't-- real. When I think about it, all the friends I have, whether I see or talk to them every day or not, are still my friends because when things hit the fan, they are there when I need them, and vice versa. 


I would like to take some blame for the way things have turned out between all of us, but a big part of me is too angry to, and too disappointed, and even more shocked to be rational about it all. Maybe in a few months from now, when I have finally moved on, I will leave this part of my past behind and not bother looking back. If you aren't there for my past or present, you most likely won't be apart of my future. I need stability, reliability, trust, honesty, love, care, compassion, and lots of attention. I guess that makes me sound like some sort of a pet, but I think after all I've been through, its the least I can ask for. I don't need to be judged anymore than what I've already been. I'm not rich, I'm poor; I didn't go to Disney World as a kid, I didn't have family trips and vacations, I didn't have a father in my life, or a stable home, I didn't have any of the things most kids wish for or have. I wasn't a happy kid because I didn't have much to be happy about. I grew up angry and sad and disappointed about things, because I had a lot to be angry and sad and disappointed about. My dad in jail all my life, my mom and her horrible boyfriends, my grandmother was too heartbroken about both her sons being in jail to help me, I had to help raise my 2 smaller siblings, I've had a job since I was 15, and have always had one ever since; I've been depressed the majority of my life, and there is nothing I can do about it. I've accepted all of this, and I guess all I can say is, I thank all the friends who have accepted me for that. As for everyone else who can't handle me with all my baggage, so long. My life moves on, the same way the sun always rises and sets, and the world keeps on turning.