Move Along.

Written: Sunday, January 11, 2009 at 5:31am

It's just been one of those days where nothing but staying home seems right. I spent most of this day dancing around, feeling good- feeling myself again. Just as I'm attempting to go to sleep, some thoughts slowly crept up. He comes to mind during the most random moments of my day, only reminding me of how broken my heart still is.

Just seven months ago, I was certain that him and I would make it through whatever issues we were dealing with. Realistically, it takes two in order to make a relationship work. I may have been certain that things could have worked out, but in his perspective the relationship was already over- too bad I got the memo too late. Right before my 20th birthday, it was official that there was no going back to "us." There was just him, and then there was just me. Alone; and back to square one. During that moment in time, I was positive that things could only continue to get worse for me. I spent many days crying, grieving, feeling ashamed to speak about it with my family, but like a deep cut, I was just gushing out my feelings to my friends. I'm sure there were days that they got tired of hearing about my heart-ache, my heart-break, and how I swore that life would never be the same. I was right about life never being the same, because it wasn't. School started in the Fall, as it was expected to and I was not mentally prepared to handle on the work load because emotionally I was dragging myself in a spiral down hoping to hit rock bottom. I began working again part-time and started Air Force ROTC. Work on top of work, plus more work- and I thought I would fail. All semester long I forced myself to keep it together, keep on moving, but I still felt it wasn't enough. To my friends I appeared to be the person I normally am- happy and positive- but deep down my feelings were eating me up... By the end of the semester, my struggle to maintain my grades and positive attitude overcame the issue of moving on. Victory once again, but under a different kind of light.

My grandmother (from my mother's side) reminded me of something important to keep in mind when going through times like that: "The days are long, but the years go by fast." At first, it made absolutely no sense to me, but nonetheless, I kept her words in mind. She was right, the days felt so long, but they went by fast. I reflect now on times when I felt as low as I did just a month ago, and I wonder how did I get over it? There's no exact equation, or cure, or solution. It just takes time. And "when you think you have it bad, someone else has it worse." My mother has had it worse. Both of my grandmothers and my aunt have had it worse. I have heard their stories of getting their hearts broken and I only feel selfish when I think of how dramatic I've been. Imagine: loving a man, but later learning to find out that the feeling is not mutual, even though you had been led on to believe it was; coming to terms with reality while battling the spirit of hope- hoping he would one day have a change of heart, and realize you are a great woman even with all your flaws. After reality sets in, hope is just another word in the dictionary. Hearts have been broken many times before mine. Sadly, I have seen the result of it; selfish, cold-hearted, self-sabotoging, low self-esteem, vulnerable, overly-protective women. It's a mess. I can only remind myself of all the other women who found ways to move on, be strong, and forget all the sorrows and regrets. Just this alone, allows me to feel grateful for this heart-breaking experience, and allows me to feel proud to know I have not let it affect me so greatly as if it were to change me negatively.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago where I found the strength to let go of my fears and finally agree to some changes I need to make with myself. This is part of moving on. I have a plan that I need to follow through with- getting my heart broken wasn't part of the plan- but I can always incorporate the lessons that came along with it. I am finally learning to move on.


For my female friends who have dealt with this before, I have hope- not that the "right" man is going to find us, but that we will learn to choose the right man. We have such a long way to go. I suggest we take this time out to reconstruct our souls, hearts, minds and bodies before we put ourselves back on the map. It's a better idea to spend some time on yourself, before you give your time to someone else. Don't classify this advice as a way of being alone- just a way of finding solitude. For my male friends who read this, I know some of you have dealt with this as well and the advice applies to you too... For once, let's find a way to make love wiser.

-A.S.H.- <3